kiss and make up

i dont remember how i got through the day.

skipped lunch, i left work an hour early. drove to austin.

i wasnt sure why i was going to austin. i wasnt thinking at all. i just drove.

when walking up the stairs, i felt extremely nervous all of sudden. my stomach started hurling. i thought, omg what the heck am i doing here. what am i going to say? it was so awkward when he opened the door. i couldnt look him in the eye.

honestly, i didnt know what i was doing or what i wanted. we attempted to talk, we cried, we hugged, and cried some more. i was so overwhelmed with emotion, words wouldnt come out.

things finally felt real when he said, maybe its best that we take a break. that was the first time i felt awake that day. i knew i didnt want to be without him, no matter what happens. and i knew i had made a mistake. i wanted to leave.

god the whole thing is so messed up. how did we get from taking a break to making up? i honestly dont quite remember. something about... wanting to be with each other? need to be strong? everything is so blurry... please remind me?!

this whole ordeal is just bad. bad and depressing. but in a way i think i needed it. i needed to be reminded of how much we need to be with each other. so, this is what breaking up would feel like. what separating forever could be like. i was so weak. i still am. but i need to be with him. work things out with him. figure out the future with him.

ok i feel so fucking stupid writing this. SO FUCKING STUPID. im gonna stop now. SORRY I WORRIED YOU MA PRETTY LADY.




|| [ 雪子 ] ||

what happened?

i couldnt imagine my life without you. i still cant.

we've been through so much together. we have so much more planned for the future.

i loved you so much. more than i can describe in words. i still love you so much. so much more than i can describe in words.

i dont want to be apart from you. but we are drifting away. further and further apart. it drives me crazy. i dont doubt your faithfulness. i simply cannot stand to not be part of your life. i admit, i am needy. and i admit, i havent changed a bit since my relationship with lin. he broke up with me, a main reason being im too needy. i tried to change. tried to hide how much attention i crave. i need more than chatting online. i need more than a couple of lines of chat here and there, in between your busy schedule. i cant stand that you seem distracted when we video chat. i cant stand not being by your side.

so silly. all of these. sure, its only a phase. we have been through so much. we will have so much more in the future. but the future... where will i be in the future? ive come to depend on you so, so much. i realized that im halting on continuing education because i know it will keep us apart for longer. if i go to school somewhere and you work somewhere else. or, if you decide to go to japan, and im stuck here for school. i cant stand 1.5 years apart, i cant even begin to think about being apart for longer than that. then, i find myself thinking, if louis finds a good job, i wont have to worry about anything! and occasionally, i just want to be a housewife so i dont have to stress over work or money.

what happened to me?

what happened to the vivian who is so fond of education and personally accomplishment? when did i become a mere shadow behind you? i love you so much. but i need to love myself too. i honestly dont know what i want to do in the future still. but i cant allow myself to depend solely on you.

so, what am i to do. i cant live with you. i cant be without you. riding on my rage and the heat of the moment, i broke up with you. i cant tell if i did the right thing. i feel like an idiot.

feels unreal. feels like even though i took things to the extreme, we will somehow wake up tomorrow, kiss and make up. i dont know if that will be true.

i feel like an idiot. i havent felt so bad in years.


|| [ 雪子 ] ||

2:10am

2:10am. late friday night, or should i say early saturday morning, i was woken up by lumi's cries. screaming on top of his lungs.

i jumped out of my bed, yelling "what happened!?", and completely disoriented. my brother replied, "i didnt see him". then i saw lumi running towards my bed. my brother walked away like nothing happened.

really? "i didnt see him"? sure, i can believe that. but, "i didnt see him." and thats it? no "is he ok"? or "im sorry"? i have no idea if he just simply stumbled on him and startled him, or if he actually stepped on him and really hurt him. it was just, "i didnt see him".

lumi smelled like rotten fish and was licking his butt profusely. he looked stressed, he panted heavier than usual. he had discharged his anal gland, which only happens when he is extremely scared.

... "i didnt see him" does not suffice.




|| [ 雪子 ] || 

more rant

i really really want to move out. seriously want to move out. seriously thinking about it. i cant describe the feeling of living here. i dont even want to call it home because it feels in no way like home to me.

living under someone else's roof... gotta follow someone else' rules and put up with someone else' crap. im perfectly capable of supporting myself. why put up with other people's shit just to save money. whats the point?


|| [ 雪子 ] ||