hey, you.

yeah, you.

i feel the need to explain some things to you. but i dont know how to say it in person, so i will put it here. you have access to my blog, i dont know if you check it or not, but maybe you will see it.

i heard from mutual friends that when i stopped talking to you, you were very stressed. im sorry if that is true. i dont want to cause stress in your life, but at the time, i didnt know how to deal with the situation.

when you started dating him, i was honestly in shock. i thought you were uncomfortable with him. i thought you didnt want to date anymore. i thought you told me you wouldnt. (well, he told me that he wouldnt date you either, no offense but i dont really care about what he says) i really felt like you betrayed me, that you only told me what you think i wanted to hear. i dont expect you to tell me everything, but i felt that you actually lied to me. that thought really hurt me a lot.

i didnt confront you about my feelings. i couldnt. many people asked me, why dont you just talk to her? why do you have to make it awkward? why dont you two work it out? hm... well, the truth is, i didnt feel good seeing the two of you together. i felt that hes way below you, that you can do so much better, that hes a douche for going after you when you were most vulnerable and he didnt deserve you. it literally made me sick when i see the two of you together. i tried not to get it bother me, but i just couldnt help it. my heart sinks when i see you with him, reminding me that feeling of betrayal.

how could i have possible told you any of this? i couldnt. i wanted you to be happy, and apparently your happiness was with him. i wanted to respect your decision to be with him, i just could stand to be around the two of you. i didnt want you to know what i was thinking because, when it comes down to it, this whole thing is my personal issue. you have the right to do whatever makes you happy, i am the one who has an issue with it. so, i decided to just stay away.

i am sorry that you were so left out during spring break. i heard that you were offended by some of the stuff i said, but i didnt mean to say anything offensive. that one night when you came out of the room, asking if i said "fuck pedersen", i really dont remember saying it. other people later told me i said that when we were deciding what to do when you guys were gone, but it wasnt meant to be offensive. we didnt know when you guys were coming back, and what i meant was to leave you guys alone. im sorry if i offended you or him in anyway.

when i found out peep died, i was really worried about you. i guess thats why i started talking to you more and more. then you told me you and him broke up. i remember how sad you were when jay broke up with you... i didnt want you to go through that again by yourself. but after the late night conversations about nothing and about everything, i realized just how much i miss talking to you.

right now, im really happy that you have a new found passion. but please dont let your passion for love die. when you find the right person, you will know. i've told you this before, but love is about the little things. when you are truly in love, every little thing can be fun. just being able to wake up and see his face laying next to yours will be a bliss. you dont have to actively look for him either. the right person will only come when the time is right.

i hope our friendship has gotten stronger after overcoming that rough spot. i hope we can get to know each other even better. i wish we can extend our friendship for years to come. i wish you all the best

|| [ 雪子 ] ||