kiss and make up

i dont remember how i got through the day.

skipped lunch, i left work an hour early. drove to austin.

i wasnt sure why i was going to austin. i wasnt thinking at all. i just drove.

when walking up the stairs, i felt extremely nervous all of sudden. my stomach started hurling. i thought, omg what the heck am i doing here. what am i going to say? it was so awkward when he opened the door. i couldnt look him in the eye.

honestly, i didnt know what i was doing or what i wanted. we attempted to talk, we cried, we hugged, and cried some more. i was so overwhelmed with emotion, words wouldnt come out.

things finally felt real when he said, maybe its best that we take a break. that was the first time i felt awake that day. i knew i didnt want to be without him, no matter what happens. and i knew i had made a mistake. i wanted to leave.

god the whole thing is so messed up. how did we get from taking a break to making up? i honestly dont quite remember. something about... wanting to be with each other? need to be strong? everything is so blurry... please remind me?!

this whole ordeal is just bad. bad and depressing. but in a way i think i needed it. i needed to be reminded of how much we need to be with each other. so, this is what breaking up would feel like. what separating forever could be like. i was so weak. i still am. but i need to be with him. work things out with him. figure out the future with him.

ok i feel so fucking stupid writing this. SO FUCKING STUPID. im gonna stop now. SORRY I WORRIED YOU MA PRETTY LADY.




|| [ 雪子 ] ||