what happened?

i couldnt imagine my life without you. i still cant.

we've been through so much together. we have so much more planned for the future.

i loved you so much. more than i can describe in words. i still love you so much. so much more than i can describe in words.

i dont want to be apart from you. but we are drifting away. further and further apart. it drives me crazy. i dont doubt your faithfulness. i simply cannot stand to not be part of your life. i admit, i am needy. and i admit, i havent changed a bit since my relationship with lin. he broke up with me, a main reason being im too needy. i tried to change. tried to hide how much attention i crave. i need more than chatting online. i need more than a couple of lines of chat here and there, in between your busy schedule. i cant stand that you seem distracted when we video chat. i cant stand not being by your side.

so silly. all of these. sure, its only a phase. we have been through so much. we will have so much more in the future. but the future... where will i be in the future? ive come to depend on you so, so much. i realized that im halting on continuing education because i know it will keep us apart for longer. if i go to school somewhere and you work somewhere else. or, if you decide to go to japan, and im stuck here for school. i cant stand 1.5 years apart, i cant even begin to think about being apart for longer than that. then, i find myself thinking, if louis finds a good job, i wont have to worry about anything! and occasionally, i just want to be a housewife so i dont have to stress over work or money.

what happened to me?

what happened to the vivian who is so fond of education and personally accomplishment? when did i become a mere shadow behind you? i love you so much. but i need to love myself too. i honestly dont know what i want to do in the future still. but i cant allow myself to depend solely on you.

so, what am i to do. i cant live with you. i cant be without you. riding on my rage and the heat of the moment, i broke up with you. i cant tell if i did the right thing. i feel like an idiot.

feels unreal. feels like even though i took things to the extreme, we will somehow wake up tomorrow, kiss and make up. i dont know if that will be true.

i feel like an idiot. i havent felt so bad in years.


|| [ 雪子 ] ||